Cold Potatoes: 2010

1. Mirrors and darkness don't mix.

2. Actually, mirrors are a general "NO". In this world, there is nothing more sinister.

3. There is zero chance of survival if you look at the thing no one else can see or answers its questions incorrectly.

4. If you are alone at night in a creepy mental institution, take some time to consider what the f*ck you are doing there, then, if appropriate to do so, leave.

5. Avoid going to places where everyone else who went there never came back or died inexplicably.

6. If someone stops your vehicle at night and asks for a ride, it would probably be in your best interest to politely decline.

7. Killing is the last method of survival, use it sparingly but without fear.

8. WHO WAS PHONE is always a good thing to ponder.

9. Get a simple .38 revolver. Load it with two silver bullets. If you feel there is no chance to come alive out of a situation, take one shot at whatever is after you. If that doesn't work, you still have the last shot for your head.

10. Area 51 is simply too well guarded to let you in or let any alien out.

11. When at a hotel, steer clear of unauthorized or allegedly haunted areas. Take some time to consider the price range and hotel standard on your next visit. Have you ever stayed at a haunted Hilton?

12. When booking your hotel stay, Trip Advisor can be a valuable tool in deeming whether your choice is/will be the scene of multiple murders, full of dead people, or built at the mouth of hell. Local newspapers can also be helpful.

13. Invoking demons, speaking dead languages, and performing rituals of the occult variety can be dangerous. Refrain from performing any of these activities, especially around abandoned warehouses, churches, psychiatric institutions, forests, and mirrors.

14. When going to a new area, environmental understanding is key to survival. Ask around for cursed places, legends, dangers and other details. Listen to local advice and don't be afraid to ask if you're unsure of which attacks/disappearances are paranormal and which aren't.

15. Always keep a Bible next to your bed. It provides average reading material, proof of beliefs, and a really heavy throwing object.

16. Don't count on holy water. Get a sturdy vial of sulfuric acid and let a priest consecrate it.

17. Japanese priests cleanse rooms by waving katana swords around. Their ritual is 100% effective on corporeal forms.

18. If you find 666 messages on your phone, mailbox, e-mail, etc. consider changing your service provider. Also, don't bother listening to or reading the messages. They're spam-- extra-dimensional, possibly, but spam nevertheless.

19. Old pharmaceutical companies can't help you unless you specificaly need "blood of the innocent", "snake oil", and/or "radioactive syrup"--which should be never.

20. If you need to sign it in blood, you do not need to sign it. All mainstream governing bodies will accept contracts signed in ink. Bear this in mind if offered deals that seem to be too good to be true.

21. Lighthouses are dangerous. Avoid them at all costs. If you work at a lighthouse, consider a career in insurance sales or veterinary care.

22. There is simply no reason to listen to music that causes suicidal tendencies or watch films that have strange/disastrous consequences.

23. If you have some money and like to plan ahead, buy your auntie and uncle a house in Bel-Air. Nothing can harm you there no matter how scared your mother is.

24. Secret or secluded places in old buildings are left untouched for a reason. Pioneers never say "die" but they do in fact have an unusually high mortality rate.

25. Before you swim in the ice-cold waters of a murky lake at the center of a dark forest at midnight, ask yourself: do you really want to travel to an ancient and terrifying city? If the answer is "no", consider staying at home instead and watch whatever quality programming is available on Cinemax.

26. Try celebrating your 33rd birthday in a well-lit house with the company of others.

27. Refrain using the one true name for anything. There is a reason why people give things nicknames.

28. Watching television static for long periods of time may be hazardous to your health. Try satellite TV to combat this problem.

29. Get a cat. Those furry little hairballs perceive unnatural phenomena better than humans, and, if desperate, simply throw those suckers at whatever is about to get you.

30. Cemeteries are bad places, especially in foggy conditions and on Halloween.

31. Try not to close your eyes, ever. If you must, do so only briefly.

32. If you hear chanting, run until you are out of earshot.

33. If you are too old to play with dolls, you do not need to be anywhere near one of those creepy little f*ckers.

34. Legends can offer invaluable insight of where not to go camping with friends.

35. When babysitting, ascertain the family's tastes and preferences to avoid being killed by poorly selected statues.

36. Even if you are certain that running will not save you, it is always best to try.